How I Handle Rejection & Criticism as a Self-Published Author
I’m well-acquainted with rejection. Before I was an author, I was an actor in New York, and not getting jobs is, funny enough, part of the job. When I went into journalism, it took months of pitching before I got my first assignment. And then, as an author, I’ve queried (and ultimately decided to go the self-publishing route) and have had readers leave ratings on my books on Goodreads—some good, some not-so-good. When it comes to creative endeavors especially, you have to get used to rejection, otherwise it will suck every last drop of joy that you get from what you’re doing.
Easier said than done, though. I’m certainly not stoic and zen through every moment of being an author, and I’ve had my fair share of personal meltdowns. But I’ve become better and better throughout the years with staying level-headed even in the face of rejection and criticism. Here are the most important things to do and keep in mind!
Rejection Happens to Every Author
Rejection can feel like a singular experience—like you are the first person in the history of books to ever have an agent reject your manuscript or to receive a 1-star review. Rest assured, every author experiences rejection. Yes, even bestselling authors, even your favorite author, and even well-beloved genre darlings like Emily Henry and Abby Jimenez.
Query rejections are particular painful, because to work with some publishers (especially the biggies), you need an agent. They hold the keys to open the door to that opportunity, and it can hurt to want something so badly and to receive a form response via email that says, “no thanks.” The most frustrating ones for me were the ones where my book really fit the agent’s manuscript wishlist (MSWL for short). Sister stories? European setting? Soft boys? The Half of It has all of that! And yet, about ninety percent of agents I queried didn’t want to read more than the submission packet. That can quickly send you down a spiral of thinking your writing is bad or you’re not good enough.
It can sometimes be hard to take this view, but I try my best to view rejection as a poor fit. Dita Von Teese said it best: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” Rejection ≠ you’re bad.
Don’t Ignore Your Feelings
Dealing with rejection and criticism can sting, but just because it’s unpleasant doesn’t mean you should avoid those feelings entirely. My initial instinct in these situations is sadness and a feeling of being left out—being good, but not good enough. So when I’m dealing with that, I let myself wallow for a bit. I might cry or curl up with something comforting, like a good snack and a t.v. show. I talk it out with my husband. I might even turn to my writer groups and commiserate.
And then, once I’ve indulged enough in The Sads, I get back to business. An evening spent feeling meh about myself is one thing—letting that go on for days, weeks even, and ultimately affecting my work, is a problem. To get out of the pity party, my next point comes in handy…
Stay on Course with Your North Star
Why do you write? For me, I’m a creative person, and I love writing stories that are emotional and transportive. I want my books to feel like a vacation in the form of a paperback book, filled with heart, human connection, and a whole lot of yearning. When I’m faced with emotional setbacks, I remind myself of that. Not everyone will love the books I publish, but the right readers will, and those are the people I’m writing for. Keeping myself connected to that North Star makes it easier to push through the hard parts so I can keep promoting my books and prepare to publish the next one.
Find the Useful Parts & Leave the Rest
Criticism isn’t inherently bad—but it’s true, not all feedback is useful and some of it’s just noise. A 1-star review that says, “DNF at page 2” tells me nothing except that the book wasn’t for that reader. I’m not going to take that to heart.
Other feedback can help shape my work, though. It’s why I work with beta readers, critique partners, and ARC readers throughout the writing process! They’re great at pointing out plot threads that fizzle halfway through the story or scenes where the emotional stakes aren’t making an impact. That kind of critique can be frustrating to hear, especially after having put so much work into a project, but it’s worth listening to. After the book is published, it’s also possible to weed through reviews when I’m feeling ready and see if there are common threads. Do many 4-star reviews mention slow pacing? That could be something to look at in the next book to make sure I keep things tight.
Ultimately, you have to know what is right for your book. You don’t want to completely close yourself off to critiques, but you also don’t want to take every critique that comes along. This is something you’ll get better at discerning with time. If a comment feels personal or not actionable? Let it go. If it gives you a gut feeling of “they’re right,” sit with those thoughts for a bit. Then revise, improve, and move forward.
Protect Your Creative Joy
If writing becomes unenjoyable, then you won’t want to do it. Or you’ll do it, begrudgingly, and push out books that you despise. That’s not what you want.
Writing a book is challenging, but the work should bring you joy. Take breaks when you need, read books to reignite that spark, talk with writer friends, and go out and touch grass. Something that has really helped me is celebrating every small win—every draft, every kind review, every step of the process.
Creativity comes from inside of you, so make sure you’re nourishing yourself and not simply chasing validation that’s always out of reach.
Have Your Cheerleader(s) on Speed Dial
We all need people who will cheer us on and remind us how great we’re doing, even when we hit roadblocks. For me, that’s my husband, my writing group, and a couple of close friends who have known me from long before I even started draft one of my debut. I can commiserate with them, complain, pout, and cry, and they’ll listen without judgment before reminding me how far I’ve come.
It might take time, but find those people for you. Send them a message when you’re spiraling, and celebrate the wins with them. Rejection does not define someone’s career and it certainly isn’t indicative of their talent.
A Few Reminders
You are not alone in this.
You are not a failure.
Your work matters.
This feeling won’t last forever, promise!
Vulnerability is part of the process, and you can’t create without it.
Growth takes time. (gah, this one especially! Things will just take as long as they take)
Rejection & Criticism are Just the Conflict in a Much Bigger Story
No one wants to face rejection and criticism, but the more you can learn to accept it as a part of the process without it sending you into a deep, dark spiral, the strong of a writer you will become. Besides, you’re never going to be perfect. So write, one scene, one sentence, one page at a time.